ffs.

im still here.. im still the same person.

I have been in Cheltenham most of the time or with other family etc. One day i ddnt have my phone, the next and forever after that had no signal. Just like tomorrow I am in suffolk.

I love you. Im still here. 

I want to see you.

But i have to see stupid family all the time. Its not my fault.  I have tried to get out of it too many times. If I try again, I wil have gone too far.

Im sorry. Honestly, that you think you have lost me. 

You havnt, im just lost in the music of this all atm. 

I really want to see you, but your too busy, obviously.

Superman..Beesley..Twat

I am your best friend, and always will be. 

Well I'd like to be considered so anyway..

Understanding.

Well I wonder if you know, how it really feels.. to be left outside alone. 
When its cold out here. 
Well maybe.. you SHOULD know how it feels to be left outside alone.


Because im going to be honest now. 
I really do not think ANY of you know how it feels.
You say this is how you are treated, but you more than probably dont.
You say things you feel. But are they real?
I dont know. And neither do you, but you like to say it etc..
Then after all of the 'venting' you apologise. Its the same every time. 
And right now, i dont care anymore. 
... Its like, (i know this sounds harsh, but nothing gets through to you unless I 'blurt it to your face')
..Anyway, its like.. your just doing it for attention. 
And I really just want to put you into 'Saw' a lot of the time..
To see how much you really do 'appreciate your life' if that makes sense.. because I know you talk about it.. infact you all do. But (and i am not trying you) i dont think you would do it. 
Its all too much.
The past 2 weeks have been so pieceful, relaxing and I am actually enjoying my life again because I am away from all of you and the pain, stress and anger this is all causing. I want it to always be this way. 
..I wonder if you know how it feels..
..how it feels.


..to be left outside alone... to be left outside alone.


Superman..Beesley..Twat


p.s I am sorry. Really, but I have juust had enough of it.

Make Up Your Mind**

The past few days have actually been the least stressful of the past however many months it has been. Nd its odd because its with only one person. It makes no sense. Everything has been so relaxed, so calm and literally have been taking every day as it comes. So dont bother asking me things in advance, but yeahh.. Its really odd. 
Odd.. but really good. Its like just how it used to be and its great. You should try it some day.


**About what you say. Because you really make no sense.
"im not going to see or talk to you over xmas" *every day i get a text* "wanna do something?".
W/e..


Hemi. We need to meet up. 
Concentrate.
Do your work.
Man -Up.
blahh-blahh-blahh


youu all know the restt


Take It Easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat

aha

I love it.


Do i stay or do i go (8) ? ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no..
hmmm. no. hmmmm yes. hmmmm i dont know. 
How about make up your mind, eh? yeah please just sort it out and make your mind up.


I am trying to keep us all stuck together as mates, you all try harder to be pushed further away.
So fine, so be it, sort it all out yourselves.
Ive gone through friends as they come and go over the years, hell, I am used to it after have gone to about 5 different primary schools and then being fucked about in my one secondary school.
I shouldnt have begged my parents to let me stay in one school for once for the whole duration of it. I should not have listened to Becci and hoped for another chance and gone to America. Then i would have never met any of you. Then none of this would have happened. 
But meh, I guess ill get over it.. eventually. Your all great people and ill miss you, but meh you probs dont feel the same.. So see you on the other side i guess.

Have good lives with whatever you decided to do with them.


Superman..Beesley..Twat 
Emma


I would say let me know. But thats not going to happen now is it.
Maybe this is enough 'blurt it out to my face' for you. Im sorry, but if all of you are going to do this constantly then I really cant handlt it. Its driving me closer and closer to the edge (8) and as my mum said (im finally listening) 'dont let them drag you down with them'.. I guess its too late for that.. But i guess i need a scene change from constant drama.


I miss the old days.

Teaser Ad For Media 2010 Made on Wednesday..

I got very bored and made this.. its shit and probs wont use it.. but extra marks would be good. I wil definatly need it... been trying to add it for days but took tooo long to upload. its taken all day today :l Xx Take it easy.. Superman..Beesley..Twat

Music..

Really appreciating my music tonight.
-Dubstep
-Eminem
-Brokencyde
-Good Charlotte
-Jay-Z
-50 Cent
-Rhianna (for some strange reason..)
-Damian Marley..


Good Times
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Anger..

Enjoy reading..
Yes i was/am annoyed.
I have anger problemmmmmmmmm as you may know.
Usually I can control it, sometimes there are TINY outbursts..
Other times there are mood swings. Like today. That word begins with B and ends in AR.


I was annoyed with mother.. that always sets me straight off whereas everyone else is just a another straw.. never the last though.. 
Then we get to pool to do your media. You 'CBA' ... *waits a while* and asks again... 'nah I just cba, its not in untill friday' .. 'no its tomorrow'. 'No she told me the 17th (NO SHE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!) so she wont get it unill the 17th' .... THAT is what annoys me. The fact that you cant be bothered to do your coursework. 
And no i am NOT a hypocrite because even though i am more behind than you are in EVERY subject. I am TRYING. are you? No, ofc your not. Your just bunking school and doing nothing :l .. :l ... :l .... :l ..... :l
you will get soooo far behind, the possibly screw up your chances of Uni etc.. THAT is what annoys me. Because you actually want things and wanted them.. now your giving up. Thats why.


When i said no to a hug earlier, I was kidding. Then we didnt speak for a good hour and a half. I got ignored,  asked you 2 questions and all i got was a CBA. Yes the whole claustrophobic thing was there.. and yes, space is good. But not enough to be boyd for an hour and a half and not talked to AT ALL. So i just walked home. Happy?


I would say take it easy, but you wont.
Superman..Beesley..Twat  

Fed Up..

Easy.. COME FAM. ILL FUCK YOU UP - IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FIENDS..
Self explanatory really.. just plain fed up..
Seriously, I know its hard. You may not think it. But you KNOW i know. 
But your digging yourself a hole, and you wont get out unless you want to, and to want to, you need to have a reason.. you need a rocket up your arse, just like me.. there many reasons are there.. one of the serious ones are Uni, another are friends, loved ones and family. 
Just.. sort it out. Please.


Situations are irrelevant.


Haven't blogged in a while and I'm trying to put off work as much as possible.. even if it is in for Wednesday/Thursday.. TOTALLY FUCKED. :l
I really need to do this.. but i really cant concentrate.. too much on my mind.. :l
Ah well..
Laters
Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Da7s

I had had a SHIT day. 
I do not need to come home and have you say "fuck you bitch". Its just not needed.
Hmm i need to get rid of this cheese before rents come out. This seems like a perfect time to do it..
Wonder if Seans about.. 
Need would like to speak to me.. text me, no garentee ill reply.. but ill probably read it..
Take it easy all you peoples..
Got dt tomorrow :l
Superman..Beesley..Twat




I HAVE WILLOWS FARM.

Just to let you know..

Just how hard all of this is.
 I really wish you would all stop with this guilt tripping, even if you don't mean it. 
I've had enough as it is. I have been trying to keep us all together as mates, but its making it all worse as we get closer, because now were all slipping away.. YAAAAAY. 
If that's what you want, fine. If its not, then a little help would be muchly appreciated.

And also, to one of you specifically.. I got into town at 1, and waited for YOU until FOUR in the afternoon in the freezing cold, snowy weather wearing nothing but a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms only to get told that you couldn't come in any more after you said you would on the Thursday. so basically, thanks. You couldnt have told me before hand? It was so cold that PATTISON bought me some gloves and let me steal his hoodie.. it was ridiculous. 
Then i ask you if you wanted to come with today, and you say no because you parents wont let you. When has that ever stopped you before? hmm?!


But at this moment in time i am quite angry, and don't really care much atm so w/e. 
Im sorry, honestly i am for this out burst.. but im also just SO tired of having to bottle everything for everyone elses sakes. 


Best motto in the world.. Get Drunk, Smoke Weed, And Fuck.


I would say take it easy, but you probably wont, so.. meh.
Beesley.

Eminem..

Right, here goes....
I really wish you all would stop quoting Eminem's song. Want to know why? No not because im selfish, but because you make no sense. You don't know what these songs actually mean. Space Bound for example is about his ADDICTION not a previous relationship. His words have a deeper meaning than what you all think. Fair enough at one point in the song he compares it to a relationship/relationships/past relationships but its about an addiction.. And in Not Afraid - "I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know its a rap.. Emimem goes off the beat and then rhymes about going off the beat. This kind of meta-rhyme stuff is a little inside baseball, but it’s a big part of why Em’nems one of the most technically-gifted emcees in mainstream rap..
Going through changes for example.. The song is filled with all of eminems emotion which is why it is so great bc you can feel that, it actually almost made me cry the first time i really understood what he was saying. He talks about everything he has gone through the past few years including, over eating, daytime napping, pill addiction, the thought of committing suicide multiple times, sorrow at the loss of his best friend proof and even finishes with a note to his daughters after he made his Recovery about the sorrow he also has about his relationship with kim. After the first 3 verses, where he tells us all that hes going through, the 3rd one ends with him almost like falling in and out of conciousness and him hearing hailies voice which is what helps him pull through bc he doesnt no what will happen to her if he dies. i think thats a great effect he added in that hook. When he wakes up in the hospital he says hes gonna be "bulletproof" bc proof was actually shot and killed by a bullet.

What also makes this song so great is that anyone who can relate to what eminem is saying (it deosnt have to be with drugs or suidice, just GOING THROUHGH CHANGES in general during life) can really feel empathy with all the emotion eminem put into this song.. I could go on forever, but i wont cause thats long and you all should get the point by now..

but.. He is the ONLY, and yes, ONLY rapper I will listen to. Because,

(a) His songs have meaning. They're not about sex and cars and bling blingin' rims.
(b) He has talent. He can actually rap. I don't think d12 is any good. =/

Take it easy

Superman..Beesley..Twat.