ffs.

im still here.. im still the same person.

I have been in Cheltenham most of the time or with other family etc. One day i ddnt have my phone, the next and forever after that had no signal. Just like tomorrow I am in suffolk.

I love you. Im still here. 

I want to see you.

But i have to see stupid family all the time. Its not my fault.  I have tried to get out of it too many times. If I try again, I wil have gone too far.

Im sorry. Honestly, that you think you have lost me. 

You havnt, im just lost in the music of this all atm. 

I really want to see you, but your too busy, obviously.

Superman..Beesley..Twat

I am your best friend, and always will be. 

Well I'd like to be considered so anyway..

Understanding.

Well I wonder if you know, how it really feels.. to be left outside alone. 
When its cold out here. 
Well maybe.. you SHOULD know how it feels to be left outside alone.


Because im going to be honest now. 
I really do not think ANY of you know how it feels.
You say this is how you are treated, but you more than probably dont.
You say things you feel. But are they real?
I dont know. And neither do you, but you like to say it etc..
Then after all of the 'venting' you apologise. Its the same every time. 
And right now, i dont care anymore. 
... Its like, (i know this sounds harsh, but nothing gets through to you unless I 'blurt it to your face')
..Anyway, its like.. your just doing it for attention. 
And I really just want to put you into 'Saw' a lot of the time..
To see how much you really do 'appreciate your life' if that makes sense.. because I know you talk about it.. infact you all do. But (and i am not trying you) i dont think you would do it. 
Its all too much.
The past 2 weeks have been so pieceful, relaxing and I am actually enjoying my life again because I am away from all of you and the pain, stress and anger this is all causing. I want it to always be this way. 
..I wonder if you know how it feels..
..how it feels.


..to be left outside alone... to be left outside alone.


Superman..Beesley..Twat


p.s I am sorry. Really, but I have juust had enough of it.

Make Up Your Mind**

The past few days have actually been the least stressful of the past however many months it has been. Nd its odd because its with only one person. It makes no sense. Everything has been so relaxed, so calm and literally have been taking every day as it comes. So dont bother asking me things in advance, but yeahh.. Its really odd. 
Odd.. but really good. Its like just how it used to be and its great. You should try it some day.


**About what you say. Because you really make no sense.
"im not going to see or talk to you over xmas" *every day i get a text* "wanna do something?".
W/e..


Hemi. We need to meet up. 
Concentrate.
Do your work.
Man -Up.
blahh-blahh-blahh


youu all know the restt


Take It Easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat

aha

I love it.


Do i stay or do i go (8) ? ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no..
hmmm. no. hmmmm yes. hmmmm i dont know. 
How about make up your mind, eh? yeah please just sort it out and make your mind up.


I am trying to keep us all stuck together as mates, you all try harder to be pushed further away.
So fine, so be it, sort it all out yourselves.
Ive gone through friends as they come and go over the years, hell, I am used to it after have gone to about 5 different primary schools and then being fucked about in my one secondary school.
I shouldnt have begged my parents to let me stay in one school for once for the whole duration of it. I should not have listened to Becci and hoped for another chance and gone to America. Then i would have never met any of you. Then none of this would have happened. 
But meh, I guess ill get over it.. eventually. Your all great people and ill miss you, but meh you probs dont feel the same.. So see you on the other side i guess.

Have good lives with whatever you decided to do with them.


Superman..Beesley..Twat 
Emma


I would say let me know. But thats not going to happen now is it.
Maybe this is enough 'blurt it out to my face' for you. Im sorry, but if all of you are going to do this constantly then I really cant handlt it. Its driving me closer and closer to the edge (8) and as my mum said (im finally listening) 'dont let them drag you down with them'.. I guess its too late for that.. But i guess i need a scene change from constant drama.


I miss the old days.

Teaser Ad For Media 2010 Made on Wednesday..

I got very bored and made this.. its shit and probs wont use it.. but extra marks would be good. I wil definatly need it... been trying to add it for days but took tooo long to upload. its taken all day today :l Xx Take it easy.. Superman..Beesley..Twat

Music..

Really appreciating my music tonight.
-Dubstep
-Eminem
-Brokencyde
-Good Charlotte
-Jay-Z
-50 Cent
-Rhianna (for some strange reason..)
-Damian Marley..


Good Times
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Anger..

Enjoy reading..
Yes i was/am annoyed.
I have anger problemmmmmmmmm as you may know.
Usually I can control it, sometimes there are TINY outbursts..
Other times there are mood swings. Like today. That word begins with B and ends in AR.


I was annoyed with mother.. that always sets me straight off whereas everyone else is just a another straw.. never the last though.. 
Then we get to pool to do your media. You 'CBA' ... *waits a while* and asks again... 'nah I just cba, its not in untill friday' .. 'no its tomorrow'. 'No she told me the 17th (NO SHE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!) so she wont get it unill the 17th' .... THAT is what annoys me. The fact that you cant be bothered to do your coursework. 
And no i am NOT a hypocrite because even though i am more behind than you are in EVERY subject. I am TRYING. are you? No, ofc your not. Your just bunking school and doing nothing :l .. :l ... :l .... :l ..... :l
you will get soooo far behind, the possibly screw up your chances of Uni etc.. THAT is what annoys me. Because you actually want things and wanted them.. now your giving up. Thats why.


When i said no to a hug earlier, I was kidding. Then we didnt speak for a good hour and a half. I got ignored,  asked you 2 questions and all i got was a CBA. Yes the whole claustrophobic thing was there.. and yes, space is good. But not enough to be boyd for an hour and a half and not talked to AT ALL. So i just walked home. Happy?


I would say take it easy, but you wont.
Superman..Beesley..Twat  

Fed Up..

Easy.. COME FAM. ILL FUCK YOU UP - IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FIENDS..
Self explanatory really.. just plain fed up..
Seriously, I know its hard. You may not think it. But you KNOW i know. 
But your digging yourself a hole, and you wont get out unless you want to, and to want to, you need to have a reason.. you need a rocket up your arse, just like me.. there many reasons are there.. one of the serious ones are Uni, another are friends, loved ones and family. 
Just.. sort it out. Please.


Situations are irrelevant.


Haven't blogged in a while and I'm trying to put off work as much as possible.. even if it is in for Wednesday/Thursday.. TOTALLY FUCKED. :l
I really need to do this.. but i really cant concentrate.. too much on my mind.. :l
Ah well..
Laters
Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Da7s

I had had a SHIT day. 
I do not need to come home and have you say "fuck you bitch". Its just not needed.
Hmm i need to get rid of this cheese before rents come out. This seems like a perfect time to do it..
Wonder if Seans about.. 
Need would like to speak to me.. text me, no garentee ill reply.. but ill probably read it..
Take it easy all you peoples..
Got dt tomorrow :l
Superman..Beesley..Twat




I HAVE WILLOWS FARM.

Just to let you know..

Just how hard all of this is.
 I really wish you would all stop with this guilt tripping, even if you don't mean it. 
I've had enough as it is. I have been trying to keep us all together as mates, but its making it all worse as we get closer, because now were all slipping away.. YAAAAAY. 
If that's what you want, fine. If its not, then a little help would be muchly appreciated.

And also, to one of you specifically.. I got into town at 1, and waited for YOU until FOUR in the afternoon in the freezing cold, snowy weather wearing nothing but a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms only to get told that you couldn't come in any more after you said you would on the Thursday. so basically, thanks. You couldnt have told me before hand? It was so cold that PATTISON bought me some gloves and let me steal his hoodie.. it was ridiculous. 
Then i ask you if you wanted to come with today, and you say no because you parents wont let you. When has that ever stopped you before? hmm?!


But at this moment in time i am quite angry, and don't really care much atm so w/e. 
Im sorry, honestly i am for this out burst.. but im also just SO tired of having to bottle everything for everyone elses sakes. 


Best motto in the world.. Get Drunk, Smoke Weed, And Fuck.


I would say take it easy, but you probably wont, so.. meh.
Beesley.

Eminem..

Right, here goes....
I really wish you all would stop quoting Eminem's song. Want to know why? No not because im selfish, but because you make no sense. You don't know what these songs actually mean. Space Bound for example is about his ADDICTION not a previous relationship. His words have a deeper meaning than what you all think. Fair enough at one point in the song he compares it to a relationship/relationships/past relationships but its about an addiction.. And in Not Afraid - "I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know its a rap.. Emimem goes off the beat and then rhymes about going off the beat. This kind of meta-rhyme stuff is a little inside baseball, but it’s a big part of why Em’nems one of the most technically-gifted emcees in mainstream rap..
Going through changes for example.. The song is filled with all of eminems emotion which is why it is so great bc you can feel that, it actually almost made me cry the first time i really understood what he was saying. He talks about everything he has gone through the past few years including, over eating, daytime napping, pill addiction, the thought of committing suicide multiple times, sorrow at the loss of his best friend proof and even finishes with a note to his daughters after he made his Recovery about the sorrow he also has about his relationship with kim. After the first 3 verses, where he tells us all that hes going through, the 3rd one ends with him almost like falling in and out of conciousness and him hearing hailies voice which is what helps him pull through bc he doesnt no what will happen to her if he dies. i think thats a great effect he added in that hook. When he wakes up in the hospital he says hes gonna be "bulletproof" bc proof was actually shot and killed by a bullet.

What also makes this song so great is that anyone who can relate to what eminem is saying (it deosnt have to be with drugs or suidice, just GOING THROUHGH CHANGES in general during life) can really feel empathy with all the emotion eminem put into this song.. I could go on forever, but i wont cause thats long and you all should get the point by now..

but.. He is the ONLY, and yes, ONLY rapper I will listen to. Because,

(a) His songs have meaning. They're not about sex and cars and bling blingin' rims.
(b) He has talent. He can actually rap. I don't think d12 is any good. =/

Take it easy

Superman..Beesley..Twat.

Anticipating..

Weekend still trying to compute in my mind. ahh well..
Really anticipating tomorrow morning.. got media, and possibly seeing people that im not too sure how to approach.. as well as GLITTERFAIRYYYYYYYYYY xD
LONG TIME NO SEEEEE beb :l ... (: <3 .. wait. you had BEST not have uni thing tomorrow :l


And then comes the afternoon.. Oaklands + No Cuursework + 1:1 with teacher... not the one :l


Charlies Birthday Tomorrow, going for drinks with him, chris and hemi hopefully.. possibly Larry too ( <3 ) :p


Take it easy, wish meeee luckk..
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Weekends And Secrets..

This weekend was FAR to strange.. and ex, and old mate a 'cow' in her words who I havnt spoken to in 2 years decided at a party on the weekend she would apologise to me.. I dont understand why, everything we said is floating round in my mind, it shouldnt be, but it is.. its just crazy that after 2 years we seem to have 'made - up'. We talked for a good 2 hours, it was just like an alien world, yet one I fully know about and have been there before on multiple occasions, ah well.. Guess thats one less person to hate me.. 


Eminem. Why do I like you so much? 'Well ima tell them'

Only this gun, lonely, cuz don't anyone know me 

But everybody just feels like they can relate 

I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great 

Or they can be great, or even worse, they can teach hate 

Its like kids hang on every single statement we make..

..Now how the fuck did this metamorphasis happen?.....

.....They want you to lose your mind every time you mad 

So they can try to make you out to look like a loose canon"

I love Eminem because I understand him. His music makes sense to me, I 'feels like they can relate'.. all music does this to me.. but Eminem has a better way of telling it - real life shit. Not half made up bull-shit. I can relate to him, I know what he's saying and I understand..

"They say music can alter moods and talk to you 

But can it load a gun for you and cock it too? "

"but music is reflection of self
We just explain it, and then we get our cheques in the mail"

"It's why we sing for these kids that don't have a thing 

Except for a dream and a fucking rap magazine 

Who post pinup pictures on their walls all day long 

Idolise their favourite rappers and know all they songs 

Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in they lives 

So they sit and they cry at night, wishing they die 

Till they throw on a rap record, and they sit and they vibe 

We're nothing to you, but we're the fuckin' shit in their eyes 

That's why we sieze the moment, and try to freeze it and own it 

Squeeze it and hold it, 'cos we consider these minutes golden 

And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone 

Just let our spirits live on, through out lyrics that you hear in our songs 

Now, if you still dont understand and arent picking up what im putting down.. then you do NOT relate to music..

Because you probably dont, Im going to spell it out for you..

He writes about problems

He writes about his parents

He writes about drugs

He writes about relationships

He writes about love

He writes about hate

He writes about his daughters [i relate it to my silbling]

I feel like i can connect to him. He relaxes me, calms me down, puts me 'in a better place'.. makes me who i am.

Take it easy

Superman..Beesley..Twat

..

I dont lie. 
Really wish you would all stop saying this. 
I lie, to my parents. Even then its not lying, its white lies, so 1] they dont worry and 2] it means i can have a limmited social life. Ok!? So now will you please lay the fuck off of it.


Its been kinda awkward; this week, having random people ask me having the same thing... *answer* .... "why?".
Just fuck off. Its none of your business ok!? Nothing I do. Is ANYONES business ok. Dont know why you all have to be all nosey all the time. Just but out.
____________________________________________________________________________________
I could go on, but fuck it, I wont. 


YAAAY. My grandparents are here.. you actually dont know how happy this makes me xDDDDDDDDDD
<3 them more than anything/anyone i guess.. they are AWESOME!


Anyway im off.. Laptop bores me. Lates
Take it easy 
Superman..Beesley..Twat


p.s my name is N . O . T emma. seriously next person to call me that, or write that, i dont care who you are, boydment for life. 

..Talking.

Im no good at it. Never have been. 
What can i say, it gets me into some tricky situations sometimes.. :l
Ah well.
You see, I express myself to music. To myself, not to others.. but if you listen closely to songs, that im listening to being all quiet, and listen to the words, and connect with them, like I do with all types of music, then you might JUST ABOOUT be able to get me.. but most often than not, never.. So good luck with that. Im sorry its just who  i am.
I used to be able to talk about anything and anything, untill someone came along like 2 years ago, i think it is now, changed me. Completely. I am a completely different person to who i used to be. I used to be able to be read like a childrens book like a *snap of fingers*, but now, i cant. It pisses me off.. but its who i am, i supposem and i cant change that. Ah well.
This is why i have to write things down, be it in a diary, or on a note/letter/essay to whoever its to or even a text, because it is just THAT difficult, you (who will never read this) started this bussiness, and now i cant change back. Not the one.
Anyway I gtg meet Bucket now.. So ill update week soon.
Try and take it easy.
Love to all you close peoples (:
Superman.. Beesley.. Twat

Nothing Lasts Forever..

So yeahh.. havnt really been on here in a while. Struggling MAJORLY with work etc and being out all the time doesnt really help. But apart from that
'tell me its over, dont want you to hurt, its all that i can say, so ill be on my way. Ill always keep you inside, you healed my heart and my life, and you know i TRIIIEEEED.  Call me a sinner, call me a saint, tell me im your favorite, tell me im the worst, dont matter, I just dont want you to hurt, tell me its over, ill still love you the same... its all I can say, so ill be on my way, so ill be on my way"
Tune.
Anyway yeah sorry about that random outburst aha. Yeah life in general has been pretty good, just to keep you posted, but a little stressful to. Jenni's party was awesome, kinda jokes, especially the singing/dancing... yeah thats right, you heard me... "ME".. dancing!!? i mean what the actual fuck man ahaa, ah well.. also the fight that broke out with some girls hockey stick ahaha. Ah well. 
But yeah.. alsooo I got my stitches taken out and left a widdle tiny scar :P
Anyway, this is distraction enough for me, so now i shall as they say 'Rock Out' and tidy my room.
Latesss
Take it easy 
Superman..Beesley..Twat

There are no rules. End of.

..That is all. :]
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Ill..

Well, been a really long, weird, hard, "interesting" you could say kinda week..
Lots has gone on, hence why no blog..


But yeahh basically me and 3 of my closest friends have become quite ill.. aha.
As much as you blame me, i blame The Toaster, as i got it frm staying round your house the first time.. aha, so shh about me giving it to you.. aha.


Pool is still my second home, and 9 ball has become quite competitive between all of us aha..
Was actually quite excited today to find out that the fair in St. Albans is there again xDDDDDDDDDD.. went to it tonight, but to my great disappointment found out it doesnt actually open till Saturday :l not cool..


On a brighter note though, I finally got something off my chest, well kinda, kinda saying it but without saying the actual words like last week sometime.. and then..
Friday - Blazing + Hemi + Pioneer
Saturday - Pool + Fireworks + Hemi, Charlie, Chris + James + FAIRRRR
Then theres sunday.. not so bright.. Work :l


Ah well..  hope we all get better soon.. aha
Showerrr timeeess
.. Lates


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

..

LONGEST... Hardest week of my life.
The end.


Superman..Twat

'care'

Ok, all you people.


I care.. really i do.


But i dont.


im geting to the stage now where your all just completely contradicting on what you say in person/text then what you say on here... or what you say on here, then contradicting yourself in text/person.. almost like its for atention.. its really not cool..


"how do you cope, with everyone elses shit i mean? Cause you always put your feelings last, why? they dont need to be, youurs should be first, and i just dont know how you cope with everyone elses on top of all of your own.." is what someone said to me a couple of days ago.. And i put mine last because thats just the way its always been, but now, one of you is doing "this to me again", and one of you want to "move". 
Well fine, so be it. 
Ever want to be part of my life again, then fine. But clearly not now. So just, well i dont know. 
Come find me when you want to be part of my life again.


Superman..Beesley..Twat.

Halloween Party 29/10/10

"why wont you look at me, you would before, then i said that and now you wont.."
"why wont you tell me? You open up to everything else when your with me, now you wont"
"yes or no, because im just going to be making assumptions about what i think it is"
"why did you kiss me back a while back then..?"
...etc.




Ok.. well for one thing, i cant keep eye contact with anyone for longer than 3 seconds.. and well, not going to lie, i wasnt expecting you to actually guess it..
I wouldnt tell you because of these same reasons i said over and over last night when you repeated the question every 3 seconds.. "1. Theres no point, because it would be pointless 2. Theres no particular reason to tell you 3. its, well its difficult.. in more ways than one and 4. i really dont want anything to change :l ..........




But im not going to lie, some things you said actually made my week, made me smile quite a bit..


So you really want an answer now? And want to know when your not drunk? ... -deep breath-
Yes. Yes i do, ok.. 
4 years.. for 4 years..
I dont know why i couldnt say, i just couldnt.. and you have asked so many times, so i guess i should answer.. even though your really unlikely to read this.. -sigh-


And now i feel like a "dick" as you called me last night..
And just, i dunnno really.. 


Take it easy..
"Emineminem"

Night Times..

It was actually ridiculous how like relaxing/safe i felt lying with you.. was really random, but so nice..


*cough* ...Took you a good 14 hours ;]


Good night with the Toaster.. whooped your arse on several occasions completly on guitar hero/rock band xD! aha :P
Your dads expression when he walked in the living room was photo-worthy? Dont you think.. aha


Hopefully get to see everyone later.. bucket, elfi and glitter fairy, not sure tho cause i got bare housework to do :l
Ahh welll..
All in all, good night :]


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Weekends..

Well thats another weekend that has flown right past me.. 
More highs
More alcohol.. 
and more friends time as the week/weekend goes on by.. kinda sad really.. but i enjoy it so much.


On a not so sad note, more angry.. very angry note.. 
how DARE you fucking do that!! You are going to get the most worst mother fucking pimp slap the world has ever seen, man.. 'ts not cool. Watch it!


Homnomnom.. smirnoff ice ftw.. [pussy drink, i know.. but its just so god damned tasty man!]
Anyway im going to head off now cause i got work tomorrow, and probs wont be sleeping that evening.. xD 


Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat


These five words ill swear to you.. Ill be there for you
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you..

Reasons.

Right. Its all coming out now.
You want to know more.. pushing it even more. Fine.
-My dad has bowl cancer
-My grandma had a heart attack on Monday morning.
-You have depression? You havnt been diagnosed with it... *deep breath* I have. Anti-depressants ftw.
-Do you have ADHD? No. I do.
-No-one knows like anything about me. You all think you do. Different pieces to the puzzle. But im not a puzzle. I am a game of Cludo. One with no end.


I could go on and on.
Hearing, well seeing you say that. Does not help. I give up trying to listen, help and atm even bothering to care anymore because obviously i dont get the same in return.


Trust.. No-one.
Never let your guard down.
Never give up.
Take every day as it comes.         


The above points are the Beesley that you know, my motto, my life.
Tell me when you want to be included into it again. 
I. am. out.


Superman..Beesley..Twat

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.northernsun.com/images/thumb/2901JustPretendMagnet.jpg&imgrefurl=http://longleaf.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html&usg=__QA8EHMAmas5Wnk8tg_HKeFjaElE=&h=288&w=288&sz=18&hl=en&start=67&zoom=1&tbnid=8XGRwL1FTrWSQM:&tbnh=158&tbnw=158&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,2469&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=143&vpy=129&dur=436&hovh=212&hovw=212&tx=109&ty=111&ei=iEO_TKioHMyQjAf_woCDAg&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=2&page=5&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:67&biw=1280&bih=653

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.amadipress.com/index.1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.amadipress.com/excerpts1.htm&usg=__4GbJ5zBhddjiuK0_YjPkMPDP3qY=&h=658&w=469&sz=49&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=9KcQ5rzHyYWQAM:&tbnh=163&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,20&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=325&ei=B0S_TNGoI4W6jAev7KS2Ag&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=11&page=1&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&tx=90&ty=85&biw=1280&bih=653

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://xdc.xanga.com/97c8677119670177225016/z12610629.jpg&imgrefurl=http://har-5313.xanga.com/&usg=__FIEo5KTN5su29Y17vlrdiA5eyn0=&h=301&w=400&sz=20&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=KA5Ftjsny7icJM:&tbnh=167&tbnw=217&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,20&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=988&vpy=81&dur=400&hovh=169&hovw=224&tx=130&ty=119&ei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:0&biw=1280&bih=653

Sickk..

I am sick. Sick of all of your words, thoughts, sayings, actions and well at this moment in time, just EVERYTHING about you. You can NOT keep doing this to people, and push them away, by explaining things then not taking anything back from them, any help from them.


Giving them GUILT.
Themselves becoming 'SAD' and whatever else follows. Its not the fucking one.
I am sick of it!


Being 'happy' [or fake happiness or w/e] with someone and then the complete opposite as soon as someone else is around, its not cool. It looks like all you want is some attention, which really doesnt help cause its pushing people away, your pushing people away. This is harsh, yes i know but it needs to be said because I know no-one else will say it.
For example atm you seem happy, but i know that when you see other persons later it will all change, i really don't understand it, and i do know whats been happening, so its not even a complete question, more random than anything.. Please explain it to me, because it makes no sense, none of it adds up and its just frustrating.. 


Anyway now i need to do my Media essay as i think ive spend enough time wasting more of my time..


You can take it easy. Just not right now... i assume.
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Confusionn..

Not quite sure where to start.. just once again bare things are confusing me..
The other night, the past couple of weeks/last month.. and this whole 4 year thing.. the other night didnt quite help.. but it made/still makes me giggle.. hmm.
RAH. COMPLICATIONS in EVERY FUCKING DIRECTION man :l
one of you.. hmm
one of you.. no
one of you.. i dunno
one of you.. just hmm, no, complicationsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 
one of you just completely mind fuck me
one of you, im sorry [you are all gunna think this is you.. but its the one who thinks that it isnt, that it is..]
RAH!
Hmm, at least i get to see some people at school tomorrow, hopefully, want one of your hugs :l


Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley.. Twat

Againn...

Easyyy.. you cool?
well the title sums it all up really.... again.. LOL!!
Had a really good day with Chris, Charlie, Pattison, and Richard and made up an awesome plan for the nearby future.. xD
Ermm.. then had an even better evening with Chris, Sam, and Pattigon... aha.
I woulda posted this last night.. but getting it to work properly on my phone was just a nightmare.. paha.


"MUST BE THE GANJA, MR MARIJUANA.. MUST BE THE HINDY, THAT HAS GOTTEN IN ME, WHATEVERS GOTT'IN TO ME I DONT MINDDD.." <3 for you certain peoples xD
Anywayyyyyy Superman wishes for a shower.. but long to straighten my hair, so i shall for today be "The Lion"... RAWWWRRRRRR (:
Hopefully get to see you peoples later.. especially the gLiTtEr fAiRy (:
Laterssss..


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat 

Moods..

Not in the mood for that/this..
Not the fucking one. 
Either of you.
I say i love you, and i do BUT dont mean it.. so
Fuck you both.
Night.

E***i***

Hmm, its so strange, 4 years and you not having a clue in the world..
Well maybe you do, as it was kinda either said or hinted at a while back now.. but thats probs been forgotten..
Anyway, its just so strange being EVER so close to you yet being so far away.. practically spending all day every/most days with you and being really close, but its gay cause i know nothing can or ever will happen, i know that i should move on.. its been 4 years, kinda too late now i guess..?
I think that a part of you knows, but i cant exactly bring it up because then everything would change. I like how we are now, and want it to stay this way, cause eventhough you would probs take it in a good wa and things probs wouldnt change, i know it would still be a little awkward??.. i know you will never read this, well unless one day in the future someday i let it slip about this, or tell you to read this blog... hmm. Laammeee.

Not sure why im writing this, i just had to get if off my chest :l
Rawwr i want a hug.
Hmm.. dinner, walk, smoke, bed.

Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Thought i should explain this while im at it..

Right, basically.. its N . O . T . H . I . N . G against you at all, or anyone for that matter..
But when i shrug off hugs, there is a reason.. cause i am generally really huggy, but [and i know hemi said this on her blog, but im not sure if she meant it metaphorically.. but i dont..] i am claustrophobic.

And on a lot of levels it gets WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone.. i dont know why, it just does. A lot recently..
Like even when we all stand in a circle or close, you should notice that if im not hugging someone or being hugged and not really into it or something.. i will be standing well away from the rest of you. This is why.
 I wasnt "pushing me away", and im sorry it seemed like that,  or anything.. and its not cause i do not like you or anyone as a mate.. but a lot of the time it REALLY gets to me, and i hate that..
So i apologise for any randomness that comes from that sometimes..
Love to you all..

Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Pinnacle

Hmm.. so i havnt blogged atm, and arent really in the mood for work at right this moment, and as fb is lame atm i thought hmm blog.
Random and confusing days recently with school/college/peopless and well yeahh.. not much more to say than that, just keeping you informed really.. (Y) :}
You really should have seen my face when i was reading it.. aha..
College intro. project portfolio thing is in next wednesday :S :S :S .. hmm hopefully it will be done *fingers crosses* and media does to actually, whilst i think about it.. :l
Anywayyyy.. yeah, confusing.. stressful work. Layed back life im trying to make it atm as it used to be, without a care in the world, as i decided it made life a lot easier, and its that lifestyle that i used to lead where [at the time, not so much anymore] met an "amazing person" that i dont really talk to anymore, but thats done, dusted and in my closet , so lets not go there right now, its all overrrr :}
But yeahh.. working out really well today actually xD .. seeing everything like i used to "there are no problems, only solutions" 


"they will not force us"
"they will stop degrading us"
"They will not control us"
"We will stand victorious"
- Sorry just had to add that in there <3 Muse + Kerrang xD


"you've got a lot to say, for someone that walked away"
"You got a lot to say, for the one that pushed me"                                [You Me At Six]
"I give you things, some things that dont change, they just changed."
The bottom line is this way, the way ill never no


Anywayyysss.. not really sure what to say, not good with the old sentences/structures or words for that matter.. aha, ah well..


I can hold the weight of the world
On my shoulders, watching it unfold
As time drifts on by, feeling the dark, cold
Nights im used to sharing alone
But see, im truly bitter to the bone
Listening to you moan
Walk away, watching you frown
Fed up of playin this game
I'd carry the weight of the world
For you, if you asked me to
But please dont ask me too
Because the pain of the world
Is the person i can burn
Cause i can throw it back down
Into your face, staring into space
Id make something you couldn't create
Someone made me out to be a pinnacle,
It would be a fuckin' miracle 
Is this the pinnacle
The pinnacle
The pinnacle
The pinnacle of life?
Something you wouldnt like
It could change your life..


.. I got bored, again.


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Weekends..

Are defiantly me.. I get to hang out with some of the most amazing people on this planet and had such a fucking amazing weekend [minus work was like literally like a 3 day weekend - even though me, bucket and the glitter fairy agreed it was more like 2 days as friday and saturday are a blurr and went well quickly and merged together..hence no blog.. but meh, worth it much..!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! xD

Anywhooooo's... we got a few scores and had lots of the food over the weekend.. Started off at Charlie's with Pierre, Bucket, Glitter Fairy and my Rampaging-Elf.. so all was good.. later on had a frigging stupid drive back to hatfield getting lost E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E thanks to the buckets silly direction use.. then ended up back at his.. with a lovely greeting from his mother.. "HOW DARE YOU SNEAK 2 GIRLS INTO YOUR ROOM AT GOD KNOWS WHAT TIME IN THE MORNING.." - LOL.. major love for mother and son xD

I really cannot remember anything else than going cinema and hemi staing round mine.. hence no real details.. LOL ... xD ... :S .... :DDDD

Basically all this is to say is thank you to the guys [and girl ;] ] for an absolutely amazing weekend.. and i love you all to pieces and MUST do it again some time soon!!!!!!!!                     .. yes you too Pierre (: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

and another quick note.. CACTUS IS GRIM! (;
Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat


Must be da *****, mr ******** on me why im soo high. Maybe its the ***** that has gotten in me.. whatevers gotten into me i dont mind.. eh guys? xD <3
We need to organise another weekend soon mkaay xD

"Don't lookback, Don't look down, Ill never let go."

Thats all i have to say..

times.. just times..

Timings are always not the one
Im just in a mood thats just gone
To far this time, cant shake off this one
I **** you so much it hurts
But then Superman just takes over and merks
His emotions, controls them too well
For you, yes i fell
Yet im not doing so well
And as for YOU, well you are a bell-
End, got nothing else to say..
Now i understand why you say
I love the way you lie. 
Except you meant to yourself
Paha, call me an elf? im not shortie
Id rather be me than have to bow down and die


The story of my life is so over complicated
Only one person i truly trust, you've never out dated
You always help me get through the day, help me made it
Into a good day, turn it around..
Until i get a text from one of them 
Then my world comes crashing down
Around me, creates a big frown
Im no king, i dont wear a crown
But id just rather not have some of you around no more
3 of you will read this.                                         [possibly 4 - HI ELLEN <3 ]
Wont understand
Cause one of the people in here arent gunna
See this, and will never get round
To seeing it. Cause I cant tell you..
How i really feel..
Even though i shouldnt
Just wanna finaly ride your faryground wheel
To get away from this place
This drama and stress
You save me from this helplessness..


But the other threee..
Love to bucket.. the other 2 will have to figure
Out this rhyme.. God knows how much time
It will take to figure it out
One i  love, and always have.                                       [but will never know]
One i think i love, counting down the days
One i dont love, i was wrong.
And the observer of this mess 
Dont know whats really going on.


Peace out.