Halloween Party 29/10/10

"why wont you look at me, you would before, then i said that and now you wont.."
"why wont you tell me? You open up to everything else when your with me, now you wont"
"yes or no, because im just going to be making assumptions about what i think it is"
"why did you kiss me back a while back then..?"
...etc.




Ok.. well for one thing, i cant keep eye contact with anyone for longer than 3 seconds.. and well, not going to lie, i wasnt expecting you to actually guess it..
I wouldnt tell you because of these same reasons i said over and over last night when you repeated the question every 3 seconds.. "1. Theres no point, because it would be pointless 2. Theres no particular reason to tell you 3. its, well its difficult.. in more ways than one and 4. i really dont want anything to change :l ..........




But im not going to lie, some things you said actually made my week, made me smile quite a bit..


So you really want an answer now? And want to know when your not drunk? ... -deep breath-
Yes. Yes i do, ok.. 
4 years.. for 4 years..
I dont know why i couldnt say, i just couldnt.. and you have asked so many times, so i guess i should answer.. even though your really unlikely to read this.. -sigh-


And now i feel like a "dick" as you called me last night..
And just, i dunnno really.. 


Take it easy..
"Emineminem"

Night Times..

It was actually ridiculous how like relaxing/safe i felt lying with you.. was really random, but so nice..


*cough* ...Took you a good 14 hours ;]


Good night with the Toaster.. whooped your arse on several occasions completly on guitar hero/rock band xD! aha :P
Your dads expression when he walked in the living room was photo-worthy? Dont you think.. aha


Hopefully get to see everyone later.. bucket, elfi and glitter fairy, not sure tho cause i got bare housework to do :l
Ahh welll..
All in all, good night :]


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Weekends..

Well thats another weekend that has flown right past me.. 
More highs
More alcohol.. 
and more friends time as the week/weekend goes on by.. kinda sad really.. but i enjoy it so much.


On a not so sad note, more angry.. very angry note.. 
how DARE you fucking do that!! You are going to get the most worst mother fucking pimp slap the world has ever seen, man.. 'ts not cool. Watch it!


Homnomnom.. smirnoff ice ftw.. [pussy drink, i know.. but its just so god damned tasty man!]
Anyway im going to head off now cause i got work tomorrow, and probs wont be sleeping that evening.. xD 


Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat


These five words ill swear to you.. Ill be there for you
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you..

Reasons.

Right. Its all coming out now.
You want to know more.. pushing it even more. Fine.
-My dad has bowl cancer
-My grandma had a heart attack on Monday morning.
-You have depression? You havnt been diagnosed with it... *deep breath* I have. Anti-depressants ftw.
-Do you have ADHD? No. I do.
-No-one knows like anything about me. You all think you do. Different pieces to the puzzle. But im not a puzzle. I am a game of Cludo. One with no end.


I could go on and on.
Hearing, well seeing you say that. Does not help. I give up trying to listen, help and atm even bothering to care anymore because obviously i dont get the same in return.


Trust.. No-one.
Never let your guard down.
Never give up.
Take every day as it comes.         


The above points are the Beesley that you know, my motto, my life.
Tell me when you want to be included into it again. 
I. am. out.


Superman..Beesley..Twat

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.northernsun.com/images/thumb/2901JustPretendMagnet.jpg&imgrefurl=http://longleaf.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html&usg=__QA8EHMAmas5Wnk8tg_HKeFjaElE=&h=288&w=288&sz=18&hl=en&start=67&zoom=1&tbnid=8XGRwL1FTrWSQM:&tbnh=158&tbnw=158&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,2469&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=143&vpy=129&dur=436&hovh=212&hovw=212&tx=109&ty=111&ei=iEO_TKioHMyQjAf_woCDAg&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=2&page=5&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:12,s:67&biw=1280&bih=653

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.amadipress.com/index.1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.amadipress.com/excerpts1.htm&usg=__4GbJ5zBhddjiuK0_YjPkMPDP3qY=&h=658&w=469&sz=49&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=9KcQ5rzHyYWQAM:&tbnh=163&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,20&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=325&ei=B0S_TNGoI4W6jAev7KS2Ag&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=11&page=1&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&tx=90&ty=85&biw=1280&bih=653

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://xdc.xanga.com/97c8677119670177225016/z12610629.jpg&imgrefurl=http://har-5313.xanga.com/&usg=__FIEo5KTN5su29Y17vlrdiA5eyn0=&h=301&w=400&sz=20&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=KA5Ftjsny7icJM:&tbnh=167&tbnw=217&prev=/images%3Fq%3DTrust..%2BNo-one.Never%2Blet%2Byour%2Bguard%2Bdown.Never%2Bgive%2Bup.Take%2Bevery%2Bday%2Bas%2Bit%2Bcomes.%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D653%26tbs%3Disch:10,20&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=988&vpy=81&dur=400&hovh=169&hovw=224&tx=130&ty=119&ei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&oei=SkO_TNOzCtmV4gamxozlAQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=17&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:0&biw=1280&bih=653

Sickk..

I am sick. Sick of all of your words, thoughts, sayings, actions and well at this moment in time, just EVERYTHING about you. You can NOT keep doing this to people, and push them away, by explaining things then not taking anything back from them, any help from them.


Giving them GUILT.
Themselves becoming 'SAD' and whatever else follows. Its not the fucking one.
I am sick of it!


Being 'happy' [or fake happiness or w/e] with someone and then the complete opposite as soon as someone else is around, its not cool. It looks like all you want is some attention, which really doesnt help cause its pushing people away, your pushing people away. This is harsh, yes i know but it needs to be said because I know no-one else will say it.
For example atm you seem happy, but i know that when you see other persons later it will all change, i really don't understand it, and i do know whats been happening, so its not even a complete question, more random than anything.. Please explain it to me, because it makes no sense, none of it adds up and its just frustrating.. 


Anyway now i need to do my Media essay as i think ive spend enough time wasting more of my time..


You can take it easy. Just not right now... i assume.
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Confusionn..

Not quite sure where to start.. just once again bare things are confusing me..
The other night, the past couple of weeks/last month.. and this whole 4 year thing.. the other night didnt quite help.. but it made/still makes me giggle.. hmm.
RAH. COMPLICATIONS in EVERY FUCKING DIRECTION man :l
one of you.. hmm
one of you.. no
one of you.. i dunno
one of you.. just hmm, no, complicationsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 
one of you just completely mind fuck me
one of you, im sorry [you are all gunna think this is you.. but its the one who thinks that it isnt, that it is..]
RAH!
Hmm, at least i get to see some people at school tomorrow, hopefully, want one of your hugs :l


Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley.. Twat

Againn...

Easyyy.. you cool?
well the title sums it all up really.... again.. LOL!!
Had a really good day with Chris, Charlie, Pattison, and Richard and made up an awesome plan for the nearby future.. xD
Ermm.. then had an even better evening with Chris, Sam, and Pattigon... aha.
I woulda posted this last night.. but getting it to work properly on my phone was just a nightmare.. paha.


"MUST BE THE GANJA, MR MARIJUANA.. MUST BE THE HINDY, THAT HAS GOTTEN IN ME, WHATEVERS GOTT'IN TO ME I DONT MINDDD.." <3 for you certain peoples xD
Anywayyyyyy Superman wishes for a shower.. but long to straighten my hair, so i shall for today be "The Lion"... RAWWWRRRRRR (:
Hopefully get to see you peoples later.. especially the gLiTtEr fAiRy (:
Laterssss..


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat 

Moods..

Not in the mood for that/this..
Not the fucking one. 
Either of you.
I say i love you, and i do BUT dont mean it.. so
Fuck you both.
Night.

E***i***

Hmm, its so strange, 4 years and you not having a clue in the world..
Well maybe you do, as it was kinda either said or hinted at a while back now.. but thats probs been forgotten..
Anyway, its just so strange being EVER so close to you yet being so far away.. practically spending all day every/most days with you and being really close, but its gay cause i know nothing can or ever will happen, i know that i should move on.. its been 4 years, kinda too late now i guess..?
I think that a part of you knows, but i cant exactly bring it up because then everything would change. I like how we are now, and want it to stay this way, cause eventhough you would probs take it in a good wa and things probs wouldnt change, i know it would still be a little awkward??.. i know you will never read this, well unless one day in the future someday i let it slip about this, or tell you to read this blog... hmm. Laammeee.

Not sure why im writing this, i just had to get if off my chest :l
Rawwr i want a hug.
Hmm.. dinner, walk, smoke, bed.

Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Thought i should explain this while im at it..

Right, basically.. its N . O . T . H . I . N . G against you at all, or anyone for that matter..
But when i shrug off hugs, there is a reason.. cause i am generally really huggy, but [and i know hemi said this on her blog, but im not sure if she meant it metaphorically.. but i dont..] i am claustrophobic.

And on a lot of levels it gets WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone.. i dont know why, it just does. A lot recently..
Like even when we all stand in a circle or close, you should notice that if im not hugging someone or being hugged and not really into it or something.. i will be standing well away from the rest of you. This is why.
 I wasnt "pushing me away", and im sorry it seemed like that,  or anything.. and its not cause i do not like you or anyone as a mate.. but a lot of the time it REALLY gets to me, and i hate that..
So i apologise for any randomness that comes from that sometimes..
Love to you all..

Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Pinnacle

Hmm.. so i havnt blogged atm, and arent really in the mood for work at right this moment, and as fb is lame atm i thought hmm blog.
Random and confusing days recently with school/college/peopless and well yeahh.. not much more to say than that, just keeping you informed really.. (Y) :}
You really should have seen my face when i was reading it.. aha..
College intro. project portfolio thing is in next wednesday :S :S :S .. hmm hopefully it will be done *fingers crosses* and media does to actually, whilst i think about it.. :l
Anywayyyy.. yeah, confusing.. stressful work. Layed back life im trying to make it atm as it used to be, without a care in the world, as i decided it made life a lot easier, and its that lifestyle that i used to lead where [at the time, not so much anymore] met an "amazing person" that i dont really talk to anymore, but thats done, dusted and in my closet , so lets not go there right now, its all overrrr :}
But yeahh.. working out really well today actually xD .. seeing everything like i used to "there are no problems, only solutions" 


"they will not force us"
"they will stop degrading us"
"They will not control us"
"We will stand victorious"
- Sorry just had to add that in there <3 Muse + Kerrang xD


"you've got a lot to say, for someone that walked away"
"You got a lot to say, for the one that pushed me"                                [You Me At Six]
"I give you things, some things that dont change, they just changed."
The bottom line is this way, the way ill never no


Anywayyysss.. not really sure what to say, not good with the old sentences/structures or words for that matter.. aha, ah well..


I can hold the weight of the world
On my shoulders, watching it unfold
As time drifts on by, feeling the dark, cold
Nights im used to sharing alone
But see, im truly bitter to the bone
Listening to you moan
Walk away, watching you frown
Fed up of playin this game
I'd carry the weight of the world
For you, if you asked me to
But please dont ask me too
Because the pain of the world
Is the person i can burn
Cause i can throw it back down
Into your face, staring into space
Id make something you couldn't create
Someone made me out to be a pinnacle,
It would be a fuckin' miracle 
Is this the pinnacle
The pinnacle
The pinnacle
The pinnacle of life?
Something you wouldnt like
It could change your life..


.. I got bored, again.


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Weekends..

Are defiantly me.. I get to hang out with some of the most amazing people on this planet and had such a fucking amazing weekend [minus work was like literally like a 3 day weekend - even though me, bucket and the glitter fairy agreed it was more like 2 days as friday and saturday are a blurr and went well quickly and merged together..hence no blog.. but meh, worth it much..!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! xD

Anywhooooo's... we got a few scores and had lots of the food over the weekend.. Started off at Charlie's with Pierre, Bucket, Glitter Fairy and my Rampaging-Elf.. so all was good.. later on had a frigging stupid drive back to hatfield getting lost E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E thanks to the buckets silly direction use.. then ended up back at his.. with a lovely greeting from his mother.. "HOW DARE YOU SNEAK 2 GIRLS INTO YOUR ROOM AT GOD KNOWS WHAT TIME IN THE MORNING.." - LOL.. major love for mother and son xD

I really cannot remember anything else than going cinema and hemi staing round mine.. hence no real details.. LOL ... xD ... :S .... :DDDD

Basically all this is to say is thank you to the guys [and girl ;] ] for an absolutely amazing weekend.. and i love you all to pieces and MUST do it again some time soon!!!!!!!!                     .. yes you too Pierre (: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

and another quick note.. CACTUS IS GRIM! (;
Take it easy..
Superman..Beesley..Twat


Must be da *****, mr ******** on me why im soo high. Maybe its the ***** that has gotten in me.. whatevers gotten into me i dont mind.. eh guys? xD <3
We need to organise another weekend soon mkaay xD

"Don't lookback, Don't look down, Ill never let go."

Thats all i have to say..

times.. just times..

Timings are always not the one
Im just in a mood thats just gone
To far this time, cant shake off this one
I **** you so much it hurts
But then Superman just takes over and merks
His emotions, controls them too well
For you, yes i fell
Yet im not doing so well
And as for YOU, well you are a bell-
End, got nothing else to say..
Now i understand why you say
I love the way you lie. 
Except you meant to yourself
Paha, call me an elf? im not shortie
Id rather be me than have to bow down and die


The story of my life is so over complicated
Only one person i truly trust, you've never out dated
You always help me get through the day, help me made it
Into a good day, turn it around..
Until i get a text from one of them 
Then my world comes crashing down
Around me, creates a big frown
Im no king, i dont wear a crown
But id just rather not have some of you around no more
3 of you will read this.                                         [possibly 4 - HI ELLEN <3 ]
Wont understand
Cause one of the people in here arent gunna
See this, and will never get round
To seeing it. Cause I cant tell you..
How i really feel..
Even though i shouldnt
Just wanna finaly ride your faryground wheel
To get away from this place
This drama and stress
You save me from this helplessness..


But the other threee..
Love to bucket.. the other 2 will have to figure
Out this rhyme.. God knows how much time
It will take to figure it out
One i  love, and always have.                                       [but will never know]
One i think i love, counting down the days
One i dont love, i was wrong.
And the observer of this mess 
Dont know whats really going on.


Peace out.

Not forever,,

It don't rain, forever.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDvDhfYDaJU

Brand New - Jesus Christ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A36I4L31Hzc

Holding hands..

                                                       You will know if this is aimed at you..
                                                                               <3

Boyment..

well what can i say. Title pretty much explains it..
I mean why do both of you have to have gone to uni, or be at work, or in fucking london :l
Had an absolutly AMAZING day today.. morning gret with Sammy. Got completely boyd all day, bunked media, and came home instead..
Then just as soon as i get home i get a text..
"we shoulda seen eachother today and sorted all this out" ... well, erm. I tried. You walked off, ignored my texts all day. I avoided media so that the "awkward"ness wouldnt be forced upon one of our mates, because i am struggeling to hold onto those that i actually consider my friends atm as they all seem to be/want to "walk away" or "run away".. 
All i want is for you to talk to me. You guys always say just talk to me, you know you can.. and now i finally have all i get is boyment and am being ignored, and you NEVER talk to me. 
So its like a one way thing.
Im actually not angry, just in a funny mood. And i know your going to be pissed off when you read this, and as i always say "i dont care" well that would be a lie. I do. I just, oh ffs i dunno. 


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

I got bored at work..

First off, i know i shouldnt ask you to elaboratee.. but i really don understand your last two posts :l


hmm... i got bored at work. and really cant describee how im feeling and how everything in my mind works..
This isnt exactly it, cause im not good with words but i guess its as close as..


Theres so much i need to say
To the world, but try not to every day
Cause I dont want my edges to fray
So i pray to the world
To keep me strong, im not ready to unfold
Because a story worth telling is a story worth told
But today you see im not feeling that bold..


So you wanna get to know the real me>
My true views,opinions and beliefs?
Well stuff it, "i love" it
Being me, a complete "jackass" dick
You see, my problem in life is trust
I cant tell between love and lust no more
Till its too late, more opportunities turn to dust
I mustn't unfold, i mustn't
Collapse, still tryin'a get outta this same old relapse
Mustn't collapse, fall to the ground
Cause im not ready to be bound
To the devil. No, not yet..
Still trying to fight
With the slight possibility of a might
Down from ten i start to count
This devil in my body
Sure dont wanna come out..


Too soon to give in and let emotions rawwr
Too soon to give into its temptations,
I can never follow my dreams
Ive lost the ability to believe
So leave me to be shot..
Theres nothing left i got..
I need something to belive in.. Someone to belive in
Me.. 

..

I need to write something else. That i feel needs to be said. But i have work and no phone.. so screw it, it will have to wait.. ima be late as it is.

Internet wasnt available last night, so its now or never i guess..

.. i wrote it down on paper as to not forget it last night..


I cant tell you what it really is
I can only tell you part of what it feels like
I cant breath but i still try to fight..
I know i shouldnt push
People away but i cant
Help the way my mind thinks
And drags me away, cause im far
From this reality, I sway
To the dark side and ignore
The way, people think, feel..
Act around me cause,
I am afraid. Afraid ill get hurt
Cause i got treated like dirt many times,
Before and wont let it happen again
She damaged me, created someone im not
Im not gunna lie
Cause i DONT like the way it hurts
Cause i been there before
And I care about you to much...


As much as id love to give it a go
This is the one thing that I cant,
Let down my defences, blow down the walls
And through caution to the wind
Cause i know that it hurts
And im scared to let it go and let
Life take its course.
I dont like the way that it hurts
And yeah, I know im not Marshall Mathers 
But its easier for me 
To spit on a rhyme, so let it be
Cause otherwise you would have never know-n
I guess i shouldnt be saying this
But it needs to be said, this
Helplessness is growing stronger and stronger
I dont know what love is, thought i had it before
But now im just running, running from her.. 
Love is undecided on a him or a her
But I think im to far gone 
For that shit, so lead me on..
Down this 8 mile road..


"Comletely numb", way to far 
From the truth are you and her
From my life, the real me
All the pain, so much anger aimed
In no particular direction
Just sprayed and sprayed
Let my secret life, yes the kone you know
Lead you astray, away from this place..
Away from the anger, hurt and pain
Theres nothing in life I can gain
Im just a no-one that hurts 
Other people, and watches them burn


She cant control her actions
So she tries to act out an animation
On television to create another life
One where there is no pain and strife
So i guess she was stupid pulling a razored knife to her arms
Not sure why she did now. She was so stupid 
All those years ago..


Dont tell me to be calm 
So Superman was born in the palm
Of he hands to become a new person
One completely numb
One to cheer up her chums when
They were down to stop them
Becoming just as dumb, as her
To help them out of the fire
She created, so they no longer burn


But then again,
"Superman's a jackass"
So i guess im not needed no more
Face slammed right into the floor
Tonight im slamming the door
Cant take this no more
So "fml" has become an old routine
No longer floating on 
False prentences
Tonight im building brand new fences
And walls, once again to hide
From the world, thanks. Your kind.


Dont know what to think or feel
Just wanna get off this fucking wheel
"i love you", its possible that I do
This is all stressful
My lifes not as simple, as say a 
Game of pool..
Sink a ball and you simply score
Everything holds soo much more
Detail, problems and dead ends

Once again to be oblivious to the world

Now im ready for mine to unfold.

But Supermans a jackass
So what does he care..


Emma.

thingsi

-grumblegrumblegrumble-

its happening again.




Fuck it. 
Fml.


Trying to take it easy
Emma.