'Urgh. I Fucked Up'

Yeah, well from what I am thinking right now, yeah i guess you have. 
..And thanks man. Really.. Thanks. That is just the fucking cherry on top of the cake right now on top of all situations and happenings I got going on right now, you couldn't have picked a better time, really, I dont think you could have.. And just as I thought things were starting to look better, even if just a SMIDGE.


Nuff said.

Friends..

You love them with 'all your heart' right?

I cant decide weather or not this statement is true. I really cant..anymore.

I try, I fail. It happens with everything.. anyone. You.

'i look into yor(/her) eyes' - yeah right, arrghhh. mehehehehehehemehhhh.


'Stacey, cant you see your just not the girl for me'

I try i fail...

I fail.

Peace.

'This is the final goodbye'

.. Maybe it is, maybe it isnt.

'if theyre doing that then they arent really friends are they?! They're not worth it..'

Not worth it.. not worth it..

..Worth it? hmm.

Much love to my 'real' friends who are out there somewhere, maybe i'll find you one day..
When this is all over, all over.

18

I am finally 28 mother fuckers! :D


Had a party last night and it was actually awesome. By FAR the most amazing birthday EVER!!!
Apart from some people at uni.. everyone I wanted to come, came 
Bar one person, but that was yesterday I suppose. Ahh well :l


Anyway, everyone got completely fucked.. I basically had the best time of my life with all my friends that i care about.. even if some of them didnt stay that long..
But yeahh it was an awesome night, and I managed not to puke before everyone had left xD


No hangover though which I am pleased about yet i still feel shit cause i went to bed so late :l aha


Laters ma'h peeps
Beesley

(:

New haircut..
New age..


.. New life.


I have decided. 'just dont give a shit, its so much fun'
How i used to live. How i shall again. No guilt, no worries.. no emotions (:
Happy Beesley Bunny Rabbit. That is what i shall be..
This is what i can be..
This is me, this is what i WILL BE.


Party tonight. Bare happy xD
Hopefully 2 of you are coming and the other is 'popping in'
So erm yeahh.. wooo.


Its a new dawn night its a new day evening, its a new life for me. And im feeling good.


Take it easy
'Easy Beesley' Love you Andy man (: <3 

..Pool.

It was really good seeing you today (: Made me smileeee Mr Elif-Root-Person (: 
Write me that list of artists :P


Dr's this morning.. new/stronger meds for some stuff.. wasnt that bad untill i realised that I couldnt get home because bus drivers wouldnt take bus ticket and the cash machine wouldnt let me take money out because of my stupid chip.. so I got home and ordered a new one after my COMPLETE life-saver gave me a lift from Shenley :D.


Got to pool to see some people and Larry, was all gravey.. then Larry nd Hemi went home/watford so me and Charlie just jammed for hours. Made a 5 hour long playlist for friday which i am SOOOOO PSYCHED about!!! And just had some awesome random chats with Charlieee nd Shahieen.
Charlie..... SUPERSEX ;)


Anway internets are about to die.. so shall see/speak to you peoples tomorrow i guessss..
Laterssss 
Superman..Beesley..Twat




OMG ITS ONLY THREE DAYS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!! :O :D XX

Weeks

Not gunna lie, these past few weeks have been a complete blur and as much as i remember.. i cant remember how it started. Hopefully its all starting to look better.. even if only by a smidge, it makes a huge impact and im kinda glad.


Been too stressful to have time to post with Coursework etc but basics..
-Really behind with c/w
-Very little sleep/food
-Low attention spans
-I seem to be amazing at COD now
-Very good times, mixed with complete tearing of organs
-Ermmmm, behind with CW, as per usual ;)




I am really happy about last night. For one reason one of you knows, but for another reason because ma'h Mr Stephen cheered me up a great amount, really made my day, even though I thought it would be impossible, it was like he wasnt really trying and i loved it. It then cheered me up even greater that I won 7-3 again Stephen and then 8-3 to Dan, which I am quite proud of because I always considered him to be an amazing player, not sure what happened there.. but he needs a slap.. 'No Offence.. *looks at others* but GAY!' aha <3
Lost to Charlie, but i didnt really care because im used to it now and i dont really think anything of it anymore, its just like a norm aha. But yeahh well done cause you made some awesome shots!
So happy that im above Dan and Larry in the pool league and am like 5th out of god knows how many people.


Take it easy
Superman..Beesley..Twat

Good Day..

i have literally had the best couple days of my life this year in the wonderful world of 2011.


I think im finally begining to like it.
aha


Peace

Chances.

'We dont seem to be sort things out'


Because we never have a chance to. 


It will work.


I am determined to make it.


If you dont want to, then let me know.


Because id rather not waste spend time over this if you dont want it to work.


'The balls in your court.'


Late's
Beesley. 

Hmm..

Dont you just love 'besst friends' sometimes.


We were fine on fb earlier. I asked you something.. you replied.. i forgot i left it on and went for gret and played some pool. Then i came back and replied. i got your text at 5:40. Which was a whole like 20 mins or so after i replied on facebook. I try and sort things back out. Then you go all off again, I try to sort it out, you say "i dont know anymore". 


YOU DONT KNOW!!!????? Is that actually a joke. 
I have lost the 3 people closest to me over these past few months and YOU dont know?? Your not the one cemented SLAP BANG in the middle are you!? No, I didnt think so. Partaker, not participant.. in some aspects yes you are.. but in all of it, no.. that always seems to be my job. And I am F . E . D up of it. 


All i want is my best friend back. Not the 'new and improved' one, not particularily the very old one either, although i would still accept it.. But I want YOU back. No one else thats taken over. YOU. 
Sort it out.

Things..

I dont know why.. but its really winding me up and I cant stop thinking about it..
I know your still not going to tell me, but i would really appreciate knowing, just so the headache stops. 


Yesterday evening when i saw you for like an hour.. you seemed really off, then we were fine for about 10 minutes and then after that you seemed off again :l I tried to see if I could cheer you up because that may have been what you needed or something, but i could tell it wasnt really working and it wasnt really what you wanted.


I just want to know so that I dont have to keep worrying about you. Because i really care about you, your my best friend and I dont like seeing you like that. At least if I know what it is I can try and do something about it/sort it out/not have to worry (if its not something I need to be worried about). :l
..you probably wont read this, but I needed to get it out :l
Love you man, dont ever forget that. <3


Beesley Xx

Showers.

They make me feel amazing. I actually love them. Thought you should know this.. aha. 


But yeahh showers.. hmm they are frigging awesome. 
Before was so much tension and anger and different emotions
.. Now there is happy, calm and relaxed.
Relaxed enough to go and talk to parents.. and sort out some shizzle.
Also if im luck get to go and look at places for parties! xD


Anyway. Have a good afternoon/evening peeps. 


Take it easy mann
Superman..Beesley..Twat
<3

Its Brutal But Its The Truth.

'i can't be with someone who doesn't want to let someone in and understand them. It's brutal but it's the truth.'


Well its taken a long time to figure that out hasn't it. 'I cried.. for all of 3 seconds. Yes that may make me a bitch', 'its brutal but its the truth.'


I am happy.
-When i have ganja
-When on my pills
-When I dont NEED my pills
-When with my 'best friend' who i have now lost, but beggining to move on because people always come and go in my life. Although I will admit it will be the hardest struggle this time than it ever has been before. Im walking away this time. To help you.
-Im happy when i have something to punch
-Im happy when i need a hug and go ask one
-Of course I am also happy when I am with
*Matt *Chris *Charlie *Hemi *Sammy *Ellen Jakeman


I have a CAREFREE PERSONALITY AND WAY OF (LOOKING AT) LIFE.
I need a break to get back on track. I need to sort out my life for once and for all. 
This has happened once before and it broke me down until I was like a baby again and I had to get back up and start my life again, and it partially worked. And its happening again. I need to get away before you get to me completely. 


I love you all.


Superman..Beesley..Twat

Happyness.

Hope your happy.

Yes I am.

Im over the moon that I have lost 3 of my closest friends because of being over the edge. 

I am as you might say 'ecstatic'.#

My **** friend, i dont even know what to say to you anymore.. because you just push me away even though you try to convince me that you 'love' me.

I havnt cried since well erm.. I cant even remember.

Elfi: im sorry. 

      Cheer up

      Rawwr.

Chris: Is all monosyllabic with me and is pissed off at me. and I REALLY dont like it :l

I literally dont know how I would live without seeing Chris :l ... <3

And you know what. Because all of this seems to be my fault.. probably is but I will say 'apparently' anyway i am going to say sorry.

I am genuinely sorry. These past few months have been hell. Its been stupid how much shit has gone down. And I hate it. I know it wont happen.. But i REALLY would love it if because its a new year and a new start, i would really love it if we could all just be really good/close friends again. Just how it used to be, the 4 of us. I really miss it. And i, well i dont know.. this is me 'trying' (once again Hemi) and just have fun with your lives and ill miss you if not. 

Superman..Beesley..Twat

You Cant..

have a break.. from something that never really started.
Just doesnt work.


And fine. I guess ill just come find you in a couple of years when IVE 'grown up'
because thats clearly what your telling me I need to do. So, so be it.


Peace out mother fuckers. (my new word from Pineapple Express)
..Mother Fuckers.

A Changed E***

Well its nice to know that BOTH of you said this. 
Especially as one of you, who has known me the longest KNOWS i havnt changed, 
Yet the other one I guess ill accept that statement more because you havnt known me long enough
to know..
But my best friend.. great, thinks I have changed. you KNOW I havnt.


You know this is one of the manny ways I deal with stress, drama, (and i may be exaggerating quite a bit but) life  changing things. Because this is what happened with Queen B. B changed me. You know this.
So tbh, not gunna lie.. I am actually quite offended.
What I tend to do (i dont even know why im even bothering explaining) is back off from the world, ignore the ones I care about the most to i dont hurt them by what i may end up saying to them and lye low, see some old friends because they cheer me up a considerable amount and then when I am 'stable' i try and fix things.
But instead you all decide to let it hurt you because im trying not to. And i bet none of you understand this. But I dont even care. I tried to not talk to you to help YOU.. but somehow in this mess we have all made it worse. 


But its nice to know that my 'best friend' said this too.


I want to get along with you all. Really, I do. But your making it really difficult to do.
So when.. or if you decide we can all start again then please just let me know. Im tired of playing these ridiculous games.


Superman..Beesley..Twat

...

'I cant say anything right' 
.. you didnt say anything wrong..? Im confused.


'After last night, new years eve alone, I wanted a new start, a new me. But yeah go for it emma'
How does this involve me? I am really confused.


'Im gonna continue to back of like I was doing.'
.. Im sorry, but that was not what you were doing. That was what I was doing because you werent. So I could help you to get your chance to 'move on' or stop 'fighting' or whatever it was you wanted to do..


Why so pissy? All of you. 
'I want a good year in 2011' ... well this is a damn good way to start it for yourselves isnt it. 


Stay Safe. Be Happy
Beesley.

New Years Eve.

Was literally the best night I have had in a LONG time!
I was literally with my family. The original orchard lot. 


Had so much to drink. Was literally with the most amazing people ever. 
And then speaking to someone on the phone cheered me up quite a bit more. And no no one that reads this will be that person..
But yeahh..
This years schedule
Happy
No Stress
No Drama
One Person


Happy New Year To Those Of You Who Want It To Be Happy.
Those Who Dont Then.. Hmm.. Something.. W/E you want i suppose..


Anywayyy i has bigger fish to fry so will catch you on the flip side.


Superman..Beesley..Twat


P.S.. MY BIRTHDAY IN 20 DAYS!! SOOOO EXCITED. 

Untittled

I am not 'a changed E*** '. 


I am me.
I am who I say I am, if i wasnt then why would I say I am.
Ffs. I told you there were different sides to me. And because of certain/recent events you are experiencing one you did not believe I had. Im sorry for (in your eyes.. no different to me) what I have become.
This is what happens when I get pushed over the limit. I cant cope and then 'I change'. But no I dont.


We have had this discussion. All of you have heard/read it. 
ADHD
Angerrrrrr 
etc
So all of you who are (not) guilt tripping me EVERY single day. I just cant cope well with it. 
So i would appreciate it if you would PLEASE stop. I cant take no more.